Fuck Teen Wolf.
Fuck American Werewolf, too. While we’re at it let’s add The Wolf Man, Gingersnaps, Being Human (the American AND the UK versions!!), Underworld (One, two, three, prequel, postquel, whatever), and oh that gospel of all things hairy and growly, Buffy the freaking Vampire Slayer.
Did you know the moon comes out during the day? I sure as hell didn’t.
Be a werewolf, he said. It’ll be great – what are the downsides, really? One night a month you get hairy and angry and you hide in your basement until it goes away. What’s the old joke? Women are angry for a whole week every month, what are you complaining about! It makes you stronger, faster, tougher. Sexier. You’ll be raking in the girls, he said, come join me and walk on the wild side. He actually said that. Walk on the wild side. That should have been my first hint that he didn’t exactly graduate valedictorian of his high school class.
There’s just the one problem. The one large, glaring, bright and fucking sunny problem. Did you know the moon comes out during the day?
In the movies it’s always a dark night. There’s a bit of cloud, but not enough to cover the moon. It’s round, beautiful, like a silver penny with a face scratched on it. You can go romping through the woods and no one will ever see you. You can lock yourself in the basement and no concerned neighbours will hear you howling and call animal control. Because it’s FUCKING NIGHT TIME.
The moon comes out all the damn time. Middle of the day, middle of the night, depends on the time of year. How do you explain to your boss that you really have to miss that important meeting because you DID book the time off three months ago? How do you explain that you actually can’t attend your best friend’s wedding, could he move it to next week?
Being a wolf stalking the night sounds cool. Being a wolf accidentally terrifying campers on a sunny August afternoon? Not so awesome.
Fuck Teen Wolf. Why did I say yes?
Image by Colin Carruthers. Colin is a local theatre technician and guru of the wild side.