Why do people always assume that I’M the bad guy?
Sure, I’m a big guy. And yes, I’m scaly and green. I wear armour, but that’s just a cultural convention. The nails on each of my three fingers are sharp enough to break bone, but can I help it if my ancestors drank a lot of bone marrow? My teeth are razor sharp, but so are every carnivores! And okay, I kill things for a living. But is any of that reason to assume, just assume, that in every fight I’m the one in the wrong?
I’m at a bar the other night, and this little fucker starts ragging on me. Big dumb orc, bet you’re so dumb you can’t find your face with your mug, that kind of stuff. Little salamander thinks he can get a rise out of me! Well, I ignore him. So he starts hitting on my woman, crawling up her arm, circling his tail around her ankle. Still I hold my cool! I’ve been taking anger management classes and I’m really good. I got three gold stars last class!
So I turn the other fucking cheek, and you know what this aggro little mother fucker does? He bites me! HE bites ME! On the foot! My naked, unshod foot! So I punch him in the face.
Now, yes, okay. His face is about the same size as half of my fist. So one punch to the face is a pretty big wallop. But all of a sudden I’m surrounded by fucking warriors and wizards and elves who think beating me up will be the greatest start to their epic quest ever! Like gold is going to rain out of my ass if they beat me senseless.
No one thinks to ask my side of the story. No one throws the manky little salamander out, oh, no! No, it’s all let’s beat up poor old Throg, he’s the Dread Scourge of Dar’abor! I’m not my job, you know. You don’t go up to a milkman at the bar and demand milk, do you? You don’t ask your cousin the bard to sing you a song even though he left his lute at home. But no, the Dread Scourge is always the bad guy! Just because I’m green!
Fucking salamander. If I see him again I’m going to bite his head off. Literally – I’ve heard they taste great with mead.
Image courtesy of Kieran Macanulty. Check out Kieran’s website, Purple Sock Studios, or read more about him on Our Contributors Page.