Welcome to the final p
art of my series, How to Survive at Sea: A Stage Crew’s Guide. Click here to see last week’s post, or click here to jump to the first in the series.
The Dangers at Sea
I leave you now with a warning about life at sea – there are many dangers lurking for the unwary and unprepared. When people think of dangers at sea, they think of sharks and storms. But dangers on a cruise ship can often be a little harder to see coming, and just as dangerous when they hit. (Also one time there was a hurricane warning and the officers wouldn’t tell anyone on the ship but someone heard it on a radio and everyone was hiding their lifejackets under their work stations so they would be ready in case the ship went down.)
1) Don’t Drink the Water. A common adage you hear when visiting foreign countries, the same can be said of a cruise ship. Sometimes the water in the passenger areas is okay, but even then, if you don’t have a hardy constitution, it’s best to avoid it.
2) Know When to Hold ‘Em, Know When To Fold ‘Em. I’ve mentioned before how confusing the rules on the ship can be in reference to which ones to follow and which ones to break. For most, it’s a bit of an exercise in gambling. For instance, it’s very much against the rules to eat in your cabin. But they give you a fridge. Technically this is so that you can store food which you’ll take down to the mess to eat, but no one does that. This is a rule that you can safely put in the “ignore” category, and go pop yourself some popcorn.
3) Riding the Rails. A trickier one? Passenger elevators are technically off- limits. The only person who cares is the Hotel General Manager, but if she catches you, it’s an official written warning. Usually not worth it just to avoid walking ten steps further down to the (admittedly smelly) crew elevators.
4) High-heeled Shoes. While high-heels have a wealth of dangers even on land, they get more complicated at sea. For instance, wearing them on the open deck while it’s raining could lead to a spill right over the edge of the ship, instead of just falling on your face. But more specifically, there are “serapid tracks” on the stage, five-inch deep grooves that are almost exactly the same size as a stiletto heel. More than one hapless guest entertainer has had to be rescued by stage crew while wearing these shoes to perform.
5) Crabs. No explanations necessary.
6) Norovirus. Almost unheard of in Canada and the United States, norovirus is a very common problem in many countries around the world, and also on cruise ships. It gives you vomiting and diarrhoea, and you catch it from contact with someone who has it. So you can stop it by frequent hand-washing, hand-sanitizing, and generally never touching anything, ever. There’s a norovirus hit squad number, and if you suspect someone of having it, you can turn them in. Just like Harper’s plan for barbaric cultural practices!
Seeing the World
Of course, the very best part of my job was getting to travel the world. However, there are times when the job doesn’t actually accommodate the best part of it. For instance, when we get a new cast, they spend the days rehearsing, and that can make it very hard to get out to the ports. Also, our emergency duties mean that someone always has to stay on the ship, and if it’s your turn, that can be you. Finally, when you first join the ship, you need to leave the US and then return in order to get the immigration documents you need to go ashore. One co-worker was once stuck on the ship for three weeks straight because he joined the cruise while they were still in the US.
That being said, there are some fantastic opportunities to see some beautiful places. From train-rides into the Alaskan mountains to snorkelling in a fish-sanctuary in Honolulu, I have been blessed with some indescribable experiences. Here are my top five.
- Starbucks in Juneau. Internet is very expensive on the ship, and when we leave, we often forget that we’re in breathtaking places. Instead, we look for the nearest place that will give us the quickest free wireless internet, and we hunker down for a long session of Skype with the family or Facebook picture hunting.
- Starbucks in Catalina. Internet is very expensive on the ship, and when we leave, we often forget that we’re in breathtaking places. Instead, we look for the nearest place that will give us the quickest free wireless internet, and we hunker down for a long session of Skype with the family or Facebook picture hunting.
- IHOP in San Francisco. Internet is very expensive on the ship, and when we leave, we often forget that we’re in breathtaking places. Instead, we look for the nearest place that will give us the quickest free wireless internet, and we hunker down for a long session of Skype with the family or Facebook picture hunting. Plus, great food!
- Starbucks in Honolulu. Internet is very expensive on the ship, and when we leave, we often forget that we’re in breathtaking places. Instead, we look for the nearest place that will give us the quickest free wireless internet, and we hunker down for a long session of Skype with the family or Facebook picture hunting.
- Starbucks in Ensenada. Internet is very expensive on the ship, and when we leave, we often forget that we’re in breathtaking places. Instead, we look for the nearest place that will give us the quickest free wireless internet, and we hunker down for a long session of Skype with the family or Facebook picture hunting.
Well, friends, family, and casual acquaintances, I hope that you’ve learned a thing or two about life on the open seas. I know that in the short time I worked on a cruise ship I gained a veritable wealth of experience (literal wealth, possibly, when this guide becomes a best-selling Amazon e-book and I am vaulted into the halls of Oprah fame) and a host of unique factoids. I’ve fought with the interesting food on board, laughed with the interesting people, and worked more hours than are legal in most countries (but we weren’t in a country!) At the end of the day, I had a grand adventure, and if I haven’t scared you off… maybe someday you’ll have one, too.