50 Shades of Grey – Live Response

A friend of mine did a live tweet of 50 Shades of Grey back in the day, and it was hilarious. I decided to watch the movie while Facebook chatting with some friends, and they suggested the results were worthy of public consumption. So here, for your reading pleasure, is my real-time reaction to watching 50 Shades of Grey.

Um… obviously, spoilers.

• I’m watching 50 Shades.
• Danny Elfman did the theme?? Have you no shame, Danny???
• You’d think if he was so rich he would have better hair styling.
• Did she cut her own bangs in the books? Is that why she looks like that?
• I kind of want to live tweet this. There’s so much fodder..
• He just stole her stuff. Apparently he’s super attracted to women in shirts that look like curtains.
• I think she’s making a sandwich out paper mache.
• So there are only four authors people who like literature like?
• Why is her nerdy art friend a creeper 50s greaser?
• Worst Mom ever. Is this a preview for how she is just like her mom and will give up all reason for a man?
• Ew, gren cable ties. That’s gonna clash with the Red Room of pain.
• Do these vaguely suggestive supplies come up in the movie? Cuz they don’t in the book.
• “I do not smile. It shows off my fangs.” (this movie is totally not about vampires)
• So he dumps her for saying she’s romantic and then dreamily touches her face? Hint: if you’re trying to dump someone, don’t do it while caressing their face and staring deeply into their eyes.
• Ah, drunk dialing. Every gir’ls best choice.
• Ahaha, she’s actually calling him out on the mixed signals. I assume this will be her only moment of lucidity.
• His brother is way hotter than him. Maybe that’s why he doesn’t smile.
• This girl falls over a LOT. She should get checked out for an inner ear condition or something.
• Those blue pills were NOT Tylenol. If a weird guy takes you to his hotel room and gives you pills, after taking your clothes off while you’re unconscious, don’t take the pills!!
• Wait, a guy tells you not to get drunk in public because it’s dangerous and your response is “I know.”??? Mine would be “Watch me do this tequila shot bitch!!!”
• Damn, Grey’s driver has weirdly good taste in clothing, and also knows her size creepily well.
• “I’m not gonna touch you until I have your written consent.” RUN, BITCH, RUN!!
• Ew, his brother has a bad case of truth lights (only hot at the club til the lights come up).
• Oooh Taylor is hot. He’d make a way better Christian. He’s gravelly. And an adult.
• Grey is too cute for this to work. Like, cute like a puppy. He looks like an ugly version of Ryan Felipe in Cruel Intentions.
• I’ve gotta admit, owning and operating your own helicopter would make me forget a lot of potential abuse warning markers too.
• Ew those wine glasses are gross.
• Ahaha, she asked what’s this and I totally thought she was asking what the wine was, not what the NDA was.
• No virgin in the world has ever uttered the phrase “are you going to make love to me now” after one coffee date and one kiss.
• If I was a billionaire, my playroom would be so much cooler than that.
• How about starting your conversation with “so I’m into bdsm” instead of… I don’t know… No explanation at all?
• “What do I get out of this?” Oh, I get to control every aspect of your life and give you nothing in return.
  Sounds great!
• Ahahahahaha surprise virgin.
• You’d think this would be the point where he’d say, yeah, this is a bad idea.
• They skipped over showing us the part where he ties her up??? Oh no wait it’s just a weird shirt. Carry on.
• So, your genius plan is to deflower her vanilla-like so you can then deflower her bdsm style? You are bad at people.
• Sex was pretty good. I mean, almost painfully vanilla, but I guess he was afraid of slippery sloping it.
• Ah, requisite piano playing.
• She cooks?? I just assumed from the clumsiness that she couldn’t be trusted near fire.
• He looks twelve. It’s highly distracting.
• “Quick, let’s do every romantic thing possible so that it will be really fucking upsetting when I suddenly claim I’m incapable of that kind of behaviour.
• “His mother comes over and you come out to meet her? Hide in the bathroom like a self respecting woman who’s known a guy for less than a week!!!
• Is she ever going to wear an outfit that isn’t white? We get it, she’s innocent, he isn’t.
• This is not a healthy relationship. I am uncomfortable.
• She’s so close to making the right decision! But of course that would make for a suuuuper short movie.
• Oh good, you said no and now he’s taking you for a walk down a deserted forest trail. You have NO survival instinct, do you?
• She keeps telling him that her computer is broken. It’s not even subtle. She clearly wants him to buy her a computer.
• Oh look he bought her a computer.
• Despite what this movie thinks, losing your virginity is not a visible transformation.
• It’s actually a pretty good contract. You’d think if she actually read it, she wouldn’t be so shocked about all the whipping that happens later.
• Haha, she Googles submissive the same way Bella Googles vampires. And now he stalks her just like Edward.
• It’s awfully convenient that her bed frame has things to be tied onto.
• He’s pretty much sexually and romantically blackmailing her. Eww he just put her underwear on like a blindfold.
  Oh wait it’s her shirt. Never mind, that’s OK.
• Mmmm ice cube trick.Except he stops at her belly button. LAME!
• “Can we negotiate?” No you silly woman, that’s only for the stuff I like to do, you have to just accept me for who I am while I change you.
• Office sex! I’m assuming.
• Damn that dress is kinda hot.
• Ok if this is a business meeting why is it so dark you can’t see the contract? And also really red. God, this scene is badly lit.
• She knows what genital clamps are but she couldn’t parse what a butt plug is??
  It’s pretty self explanatory.
• Cable ties are NOT okay for bondage!!!! God so dangerous!
• I cringe every time he says fuck you. It’s not hot. He just can’t pull it off.
• I think he’s supposed to be turned on right now, but he just looks like he’s gonna vomit.
• They should have gotten the dad from twilight, that woulda been awesome.
• “Oh my god, Christian, that’s a car!” Real dialogue.
• When does she get the makeover? The only excuse for a haircut that bad has to be an in movie makeover.
• Sure, joke about how the birth control pill works (we have to wait four weeks!) but then don’t say that it actually DOES take a week before it’s effective. We’re just gonna gloss over that?
• She has a lot of lacy underwear for a virgin.
• Why would anyone put up with this bullshit?
• I want an adjustable sex ceiling.
• I’ve just never gotten behind smelling peoples underwear.
• Being a sex slave would be super boring during all of the hours when you weren’t having sex.
• She’s dancing without falling over too! Maybe only single girls fall over. Ooh or virgins. Maybe the weight of her hymen was throwing her off.
• The lighting in this movie is super weird. Now they’re green like a bad high school play.
• “Hey, wake up, I need to tell you my tragic back story.”
  “Oh, did you sleep through that? That’s OK, I really just wanted to tell the audience in an effort to humanize my seriously sketchy character.”\
• “Hey, seeing my mom and her emotionally abusive boyfriend made me miss you. Not sure why.”
• “I came to stalk you I mean see you.”
• You go all the way to Georgia to visit your mother and leave all morning to hang out with your boyfriend? Classy.
• Did they cut the scene where he hits her til she cries when she forgets to use the safe word?….probably a solid choice. Since we’re still pretending this is a romance.
• Why was there champagne on her plane? Did she fly first class?
• Please god sign the contract and get a hair cut.
• I like that their romantic activities always involve not talking: planes, helicopters, etc.
• Hasn’t she still not signed the contract, or did I miss something? They’re engaging in a lot of shenanigans with no signed consent.
• Really, she full on Brazilian waxes without being told to? Again: virgin!!
• She’s in white and he’s in black again. It’s as subtle as a brick.
• This guy is seriously messed up.
• This movie would be great if instead of a romance it was sold as a portrait of cycles of abuse.
• And he hits her, and she leaves! Quick, turn it off. Wow, what an inspiring movie! She escaped and earned her self respect and realized she couldn’t change him until he got help….oh, damn, it isn’t over.
• Oh wait it did end. Hmmm. I’m just gonna pretend they don’t get back together in the sequel, and that it wasn’t marketed as a romance, and that was actually a great portrait of a deeply psychologically twisted victim of abuse.

Final Thoughts:
Is it just me, or is weird that she didn’t give him a single blow job?